Ever been in a battle?
Some battles are obvious; others are invisible to onlookers - even the people closest to us. Sometimes we have time to prepare for battle, gathering armor and weapons, and supplies. Other times we are taken completely by surprise and have to rely on what we already know about the fight at hand.
Some of us battle depression or addictions. Some of us battle fears, "what if's", and unbelief. Some of us wrestle with God over that which already belongs to Him: time, money, loved ones, control...
life.
We all wrestle with God at one time or another, don't we?
Sometimes we are so busy we don't even realize we are battling until we are just plain worn out.
That would be me.
The past year I have learned so much about God; about His character, about His faithfulness, about His providence, about His power. He has been unmistakably at work in our family, and in my life. I've seen Him change hearts. I've seen obstacles in our path disappear and mountains be leveled. I've fallen in love with the face of a tiny angel baby, only month's later against all odds - all odds - be our referral. I've stood in awe that the Lord of heaven and earth is mindful of us despite our doubting and unbelieving patterns.
Eleven days ago Grace was admitted to the heart hospital in Beijing in preparation for surgery. It was a time of rejoicing as this prayer was being answered after weeks of waiting for her to be healthy enough to be admitted. Eleven days later she is still there and still waits for surgery. We hope every day for news of how she's doing in the hospital and when her surgery will be. Most days we hear nothing. I know the people at the foster home will tell us when they have any news so I don't want to bother them - they are so very busy with all of the other children. Grace has a loving nanny with her and is getting round the clock care while she waits. Thankfully, she is not a critical case - but others are and so she is waiting until there's a spot for her in the schedule. We understand this, we are grateful that she's there, and we trust that God will open those doors for her in His time.
But...waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping is exhausting. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." The first few days weren't so bad. We basked in gratefulness that she was even admitted because that was a huge step. Day after day after eleven days...well...some heartsickness began to brew.
So, aside from praying for her, we immersed ourselves in home projects that we want to get done before we travel. We received our LOC from China, celebrated that step, and sent in our I-800 application and Visa applications. Once we get I-800 approval (which they have agreed to expedite!) we only have Consulate Approval and then Travel Approval - and then we book flights!
So, I decided to start reading over our travel packet of information a few days ago. Talk about information overload. Lists upon lists of what to bring, what not to forget, how to pack, what to pack for the baby, cash for this person, cash for that person, appointments with government officials, interviews by orphanage directors, medical exams, paperwork in China, and on and on and on.
All of a sudden it was hard to take a deep breath.
There's a story in the Bible about Peter, Jesus' disciple. Peter and Jesus were tight. Peter saw miracles. Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God. However, Peter also denied Jesus, Peter was forgiven and restored, and Peter became the rock on which the Christian church was built. Somewhere in there, while in a boat in the middle of a storm, Peter saw Jesus walking on the water (Mathew 14:22-33). He was scared and didn't believe it was Jesus at first, so He said, "Lord, if it is you tell me to come to you on the water and I'll come." Jesus told Peter to come. So, Peter got out of the boat walking on the water with his eyes on the Lord.
"But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” (Mt.14:30)
Jesus reached out to Peter and caught him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt"? (Mt. 14:31)
It wasn't until Peter took His eyes off of Jesus and noticed the wind and the storm around him that he started to sink and despair.
Sound familiar?
I took my eyes off of Jesus. Everything going on with Grace is always present in my mind. Taking in all of the travel information was overwhelming. I've never even been outside the country. We've never been anywhere where English isn't a primary language, and we are traveling with our two children on the way there - three on the way back. I panicked. I despaired. And then I sunk.
God has blessed me with friends who, when I am weak for whatever reason, don't just hold me up and cheer me up - they point me to Christ. They remind me of the truth and help to ignite the fires of my faith in Christ even when it's reduced to a glowing ember. They don't judge, me they love on me.
Among the advice, love and encouragement from these friends was a comment that stuck with me today.
"Surrendering is the hardest and the easiest thing to do."
Hmm...I hadn't realized that I really needed to surrender because I was so distracted and divided between: our baby in a hospital in China, our sick child here at home, a husband overworked and traveling a lot in the weeks a head, a job, a child needing to not be lost in the shuffle, bills to pay, travel ahead, a baby to get ready for...I became so physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted from keeping that all straight and handling it all myself.
Myself. Ahhh - and there it is...and that's how the fight started.
Wars are complicated things. Strategy, battle plans and maneuvers. Ending a war is simple:
Someone just has to surrender.
We're laying down our weapons now. We raise our white flag, we surrender all to You
We raise our white flag, the war is over! Love has come, your love has won!
The thing about God is that when we give our lives to Him, when we begin relationship with Him and surrender - that's not the end of our surrendering. It's a lifetime of surrendering. The good news is, it's also the beginning of having Him battle for you. Not even with you, for you. He is almighty, we are not. He's omniscient. We are not. He knows all of my history and all of my future, and "all the days ordained for me were written in His book before one of them came to be...He is familiar with all of our ways." (Ps. 139).
I'm too tired to battle.
I surrender.
I know God will go before me. He's already there. He has carried us this far and He will carry us on.
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