Cocooning

“He built a small house, called a cocoon, around himself. He stayed inside for more than two weeks. Then he nibbled a hole in the cocoon, pushed his way out and...

Possibly one of the most beloved children's books of all time is about a caterpillar. A Very Hungry Caterpillar. I still have the hardcover that was read to me when I was a child. I loved that book then, I love that book now. I read it to our children and will read it to Grace.

The beautiful thing about the story of how caterpillars become butterflies didn't resonate with me as a child. I was more interested in all of the things that the caterpillar ate on each day. You see caterpillars are butterflies. They just don't know it yet because they haven't got their wings. In order to get them, in order to reach their potential and become all they were meant to be...

 They have to cocoon. 

Everyone who adopts whether you adopt domestically or internationally must endure hours of education. You learn all sorts of things about how to parent an adopted child, how to become a "conspicuous family", the importance of "bonding and attachment"...and so on and so forth. It was almost a year ago that our education began and it was overwhelming all of the things we had to think about, learn about, and "what if" about. It was really valuable information then and we are revisiting the things we learned because we're ready to put them into play now.

There was one lesson that was harder for me to swallow than others. It was the lesson on "cocooning".

In adoption land, cocooning refers to a private process that a newly formed family does to quickly establish the new family dynamic in a way that is most healthy for the newly adopted child. It is highly recommended that the process lasts for a few weeks or until the child is secure with who her family is and has fully adjusted. Long story short - no one but immediate family for "more than two weeks".

You see, most people assume and imagine that an adopted child is overjoyed because at long last their forever family has found them and they will live happily ever after until death parts them. Most people assume that bringing an adopted child home is the easy part. You might assume as we did that surrounding them with their gigantic new family is the best thing for them.
Most people assume too much about too many things.

We have learned about different stages children go through while transitioning from where they were (orphanage, foster family, foster home) to their new family in their new home. Now that we know how old our daughter is, where she is living now, where she has lived before that; we have an idea of what to expect and watch for during a normal grieving process in her. Remember, as far as she knows at this moment - she has a family at the foster home where she lives. She loves them, and she is loved by them. She lives with 20 other children that she is used to seeing and playing with every day. She has bonded with a "mama" and a nanny that love her (I get updates from this woman and each one says "It is my joy or privilege to love this little girl every day). She is leaving all of that, against her will,  never to return.

You and I know that it is the best thing for her to have a family with us forever, but she's too little to get that. All she will know is that no one she loves is anywhere to be found. No one who knows how she likes to be bathed is there. No one who knows how she likes her breakfast is there. She will be in our home that smells different, sounds different, and looks different. We are beginning to plan for how to make her "homecoming" the best possible time of transitioning for her. Say it with me: Grace changes everything.  Actually it should be, Everything changes for Grace. We have to do everything in that cocooning time that is best for her and that helps our critically important attachment to one another.

Which means - it won't be the way many of us would have imagined. There once was a time when I imagined bringing our daughter home to a crowd of loving family and friends who would pass her around and love on her and celebrate with us. We would feast on egg rolls, cake and fortune cookies....Yeah...that's not happening.  There once was a time when I imagined bringing Grace to church soon after bringing her home from China for all our friends who have prayed for her to see the result of their prayers...It will be weeks before that happens. Maybe months.

The thought of cocooning makes me lonely already. I'm a people person. I'm an extrovert. I.need.people. But, our daughter needs to be taught what a family really is. She needs to learn that we are the people in her home - not just this week, not just this month but always. She needs to get to a place where she knows that we will be the last people she sees when she goes to sleep, and there when she wakes up. She needs to be taught what a mama and a daddy are, and that her mama and daddy are the ones who meet her needs. For this reason, her older sister and brother aren't allowed to meet any of her basic needs until further notice. They will not be allowed to feed her. They will not be allowed to comfort her if she's hurt or crying. They aren't thrilled about this either, but they understand it's what's best for her and it's not for forever, it's only for a time. They will play with her, read to her, teach her words - but as far as basic needs go - it's mama and daddy only. They can't even change her diaper - grrrrrr.

So, to you who are almost just as excited as I am to meet this child (and let's not kid ourselves - I dare say, no one is more excited than I am):

Thank you in advance for waiting to introduce yourself to Grace, and putting her needs first until she is ready to come out of our cocoon. Believe me, when we are confident she is ready we will be thrilled to have visitors.

Thank you for understanding that we aren't trying to exclude anyone or keep you from her - but we will do everything that is best for her so that she feels secure and bonds with us as she should. We can hardly wait to share this little one with family and friends, but we know she's worth the wait.

Thank you in advance for praying for us and for her during that time of cocooning. It will not be easy (especially for those of us who like being social). There is healing that needs to happen in her little heart in every way. We already pray daily that God would even now, prepare her heart for the mind-blowing kind of love she's about to experience from her mama family.

You can bet that during our time of cocooning - there will be many a camera clicking...there will be videos posted perhaps daily...and hey! Who loves FaceTime?! Skype anyone?

And after more than two weeks...maybe after 3...maybe more...

*She*

― Eric Carle, The Very Hungry Caterpillar