God is either good - or He's not. There's no room for sometimes He's good and sometimes He's bad.
God is either for us or He's against us.
God is either with us always or sometimes.
God either did all of the work on the cross for us or we have a lot of good to do, and there's no amount of good that will accomplish salvation.
We either believe God or we don't.
We either believe that His timing is perfect, or we believe He makes mistakes.
These are black and white absolutes in a world full of gray objectiveness.
It's a heavy lesson, isn't it? I find myself always rechecking my responses to what happens in any given day and it prompts me to ask myself: Do I believe God is who He says He is, do I believe the Bible is true? If so then I must also believe that:
When things don't go as I've planned there's a reason for it and I must trust that He is in that.
When something scary creeps up and I think it's more than I can bear I must trust that because He says over and over again, "Do.Not.Fear." - I can believe Him and rest in Him.
It took loving Grace to scratch the surface at beginning to learn these lessons. As I look back over the course of our adoption process, several irritating delays, terrifying news that she was hospitalized and sick in China, the waiting and waiting....and waiting....produced blessing after blessing and joy after joy.
Had we not had several delays, causing months of waiting - literally months... we would not be her family. Plain and simple. Had it been a week earlier or a week later - we would have gotten another referral. I'm not exaggerating - it literally would have changed the course of everything had there been one less delay or one more delay.
If Grace would have had the surgery in China that we prayed every day she would have, she would have been alone in ICU for days with no loved one to comfort her. We were disappointed at the time because she was getting sicker and sicker and needed her heart to be repaired. It resulted in traveling all over China with an oxygen machine and a very cyanotic baby which that was.so.very.hard. Having her surgery here allowed us to bond with her and comfort her and be part of her healing. We got to be part of, and provide for her healing. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Had she not been hospitalized with pneumonia a week before we traveled to bring her home, which rendered me a weeping mess of a woman fearing for her very life (just keeping it real), we would not have been allowed to visit the place where she lived and meet the people who knew her, loved her, nurtured her, and very literally kept her alive until we came for her. We have such a deep love for New Day and the staff there. They're family to us now, and I cannot imagine having never been allowed to visit; but that only happened because of something terrifying for us. We actually landed in Beijing not knowing how Grace was, where she was, or when she might be released from the hospital. Either God was in that or He wasn't. I believe He was in it. All of it.
Yesterday we took our "spicy Asian peanut" to Children's hospital again early in the morning for minimally invasive procedures, but they had to be done in the operating room under general anesthesia. Each time the nurses have taken Grace from me and I watch her walk away down the hall to the operating room, my heart may as well be ripped clear out of my chest. Any parent who has experienced it will attest - it's so hard. I knew this was minimally invasive but the beauty of those moments is that they affirm each time that blood or no blood, DNA or no DNA, she could be no more my daughter had she been born of my body. Only God creates that.
We had hoped for the easy fix - who doesn't? We had expected a dilation of her esophagus so that food wouldn't get stuck there and she could be more independent while eating. When the GI doctor came to tell us how she was doing my jaw nearly hit the floor when she said
"there was no need to dilate. The narrow point isn't too narrow and my scope passed easily. Her issue is more of a functional mobility problem than an anatomical one. Her esophagus looked beautiful and healthy, so there's no need to fix what isn't broken."
As I listened, I couldn't help but think,
"b-b-b-b-but you were in there! You were right there and you could have made a little stretchy here and and little stretchy there and wouldn't that have been the way to go since we're here *now* and how about you head back in there and get after the narrow business and we can just be done!"
The next thing that came to my mind was:
Sovereign or not? Is God surprised by this? No. If dilation was supposed to happen today, it would have. Let it go and Trust.
Sigh. Oh, alright.
So...we are no better or worse than a week ago. We know more about how to be successful with feedings, how the shapes of food will promote proper chewing and swallowing for her, and I have to say, it has gotten much better since May when we met Grace. Her trachea seems to have improved a bit since May which is wonderful news and her echocardiogram looked fabulous. We await MRI results about her wonky vertebrae. I should probably think of a better adjective than "wonky". Hmmm...
Whatever comes next, it is best not to panic.
"So this is what the Sovereign Lord says:
“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who relies on it
will never be stricken with panic." Isaiah 28:16
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who relies on it
will never be stricken with panic." Isaiah 28:16
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