It is easy to find other adoptive families to connect with and share similarities, encourage, glean wisdom from; and few things thrill me more than when someone interested in adopting asks us "where do I even begin". I remember all too well that feeling of knowing we were on the cusp of an adventure and didn't know which way our first steps should go.
I know now, though.
Your very first step should be to drop like a rock to your knees and pray like crazy before you take a single step in any direction because adoption is hard. It's really really really hard.
So is college. So is childbirth. So is marriage and parenting and saving money and overcoming cancer and disabilities and losing a loved one and forgiveness…and I could go on and on and on.
It isn't the hardest thing in the world - it is the hardest thing I've ever done - it is a challenge. It does take a lot of work and perseverance and patience and I honestly don't know how people who don't know Jesus get through it. Of all the things in my life's history, this would be the thing that has made me ask myself over and over again - "How do people do this without Jesus…or faith…or hope…or believing that *someone* knows and is guiding and working all things together for the good". Not working all things perfectly and harmonious, but the tragic things…the heartbreaking things…the disappointing things - all those things for *the* good. Regardless of what or whom the object of your faith is - it requires an awful lot of faith to not lose your mind completely - and even then...well - I can tell you from personal experience...the mind is an unfortunate thing to lose - even for a moment.
But it is totally worth it. It's a beautiful, amazing, terrifying, mind blowing experience and one I wouldn't trade for anything.
Of all the things I've chosen and set out to do, in my entire life…adopting by far my favorite thing.
Incase our bio kids read this, please understand, I do not look at marrying my husband something I chose and set out to do because I was already so head over heels in love, the option to choose to walk away never really entered my mind. (Try not to be grossed out, kids - I love your Dad). Second, finding out I was pregnant with each of our first two kids never posed a choice that I wouldn't carry either to term. Not ever. Therefore, I don't consider conceiving and giving birth as something I had ultimate control in setting out to do. Clear? Ok, moving on…
Do I believe God inspired and set the desire in our hearts to adopt? - absolutely and without question.
I also believe He did so precisely during the month when Grace was born. I don't for a second believe that is mere coincidence or some kind of cosmic alligning of the universe. No, we don't believe that "God worked it all out perfectly for us because we are more special to Him than other more unfortunate people who don't have the happy ending that we have". We do believe that God has a purpose for Grace's life and for our lives, and part of that plan is for those to intertwine in this amazing way. We believe it's because of His great love for all of us - and for you too - that He desires to be active in our lives in a personal way and we asked Him to be that personal in our family.
Why is adoption so difficult…why is it so expensive…why does it take so long…why do you have to have social worker visits for 5 years once you bring a child home…
I don't know...because we live here on planet earth where the things that should be simple aren't - and things that are simple, in some cases, shouldn't be.
That's actually my best answer. I do know that the difficulty of it shouldn't halt those who have the desire. Having the desire makes the even the most difficult things possible. I fear a world where adoption is *easy*. Where just anyone can make a call, order up a child, pay a little fee and take them home...that's actually frightening. A detective fingerprinting us for the second time commented,
"you wouldn't believe the people I have had to watch get to be parents who have no business being anywhere around a child and yet they have the right because they share DNA".
It is far far easier to procreate, carry a child to term, give birth, and carry on with that child. Far easier. Like a million times easier. In every single way - easier.
There's a nasty global epidemic called child trafficking. Google it. If that doesn't make you sick to your stomach add the word "sex" before trafficking or "human" or "child". If adoption was easy, it would open the door for a whole lot more trafficking…buying and selling people. No thank you. I'll do the paperwork. I'll provide the info. I'll pay the fees. I want no part of trafficking. Did it feel like we were buying a child - eh…at times. Robert carried about $5500 under his blue jeans for the first 6 days in China which was a little dodgy - we were relieved when that part was over.
Any adoption agency website will tell you it costs about $25,000-$35,000 to adopt from China. Does that seem like a lot?
This costs the same...
And this..
I've been to weddings that have cost more than that.
Some of the fees go to pay the social worker who puts in many many hours to research and write a home study that is a requirement of all adoptions, domestic and international. They are a resource to prepare to become adoptive parents, and they follow up and complete required documents both prior to and after the adoption is complete. Some of the fees go to whichever adoption agency you contract with to help compile information required by which ever country the child is from. Some of those agencies (like ours, All God's Children International) do a significant amount of orphan care, partner with orphanages to help care for orphans which translates to potential adoptions, provide opportunities to advocate for children who are hard to place, and fund all kinds of things to bring hope and healing in ways one person couldn't do alone. Airfare is airfare, hotels, food in country - those things are subject to what the market does. In China, there is a required orphanage donation of 35,000 RMB = about $5500 USD. This goes to the orphanage that cared for your child prior to their adoption (note: not to New Day Foster Home, where Grace spent most of her life). I hope and believe that the money we gave the orphanage went to provide care for children like Grace who were flown, while critical, to a place like New Day. Perhaps it went toward the purchase of formula or medicine or cribs or surgery or toys. I'll never know, but I hope that is the case.
The truth of it is, that although we had a beautiful, amazing, miraculous journey to Grace, home with Grace and could be with her during her operation and healing - it has not been easy. I don't think I can recall a day when I would look back and say, "oh that day?! That was a piece of cake." There are very good days. There are amazing wonderful progress-rich days that I treasure and wouldn't miss for the world. Parenting isn't easy, all you parent's know this already. I'll be darned if the adorable pictures from holidays, trips to the doctor, and (bless it) gymnastics fool anyone into thinking something like this:
"ohhhhh isn't that precious! They adopted that sweet, perfect, sinless, little girl and her heart is all working now, and every day is like Disney World at their house."
It's actually so much better than Disney World because it's real life and it's lasting and it's life changing stuff. It's not easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I would be lying if there aren't moments when I'm out and about, alone, fighting the urge to skip and declare out loud something about "freedom!!"...but that's any mom of a toddler and teenagers. Alone time is a very good thing. Amen.
So to you who are contemplating, imagining, hoping, waiting, praying, wondering...could you do this...could you adopt...?
Of course you could.
What about the money?
What about the stress?
What about the special need factor?
What about the paperwork?
What about the children you already have?
I see it this way:
If it's something you know deep in your soul of souls that you are meant to do - it's a miracle. Not everyone feels like that. Not everyone feels that and cannot be free from it.
If it's something you and your spouse are equally on board with and no one is dragging the other to the adoption agency kicking and screaming and biting their fingernails to the nubs - it's a Miracle (with a capital "M"). No good will come from dragging ones spouse to do any thing especially this.
If you meet the requirements (and there are many, many, many, many, m-a-n-y) - well that's pretty awesome.
Don't let any of the "what abouts" or "what if's" keep you from the adventure of a lifetime.
Don't let any of the "what abouts" or "what if's" keep you from redeeming the life of a child who needs a family that will love them and care for them and provide medical care that will save their life.
Believe that God, who so obviously holds adoption and the fatherless close to His heart, will open the doors for you and level the mountains, and also close the doors that need closing. He goes before you, is beside you, and always has your back.
I look at Grace sometimes and shudder thinking, "what if we had said - No. we can't. It's not for us."
She was running out of time. So many many many like her are running out of time. Would someone else have come for her in time? Maybe...
Once upon a time, I thought it would never happen. It was too hard, expensive, unrealistic, scary, __________.
Then there was a time when we knew it would.
Thank God there came a day when it did.
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