Back to "Normal"

The last time I remember life feeling "normal" was October of 2011. Oddly enough, that is the month Grace was born (unbeknownst to us) on the other side of the world. That is the month that adoption no longer was a "maybe someday", "I wish we could", "I have always wanted to..."....that is the month it became a burning desire in our souls. One we could no longer ignore.

Meanwhile, Grace was found on October 9th (they estimated her to be a week old therefore her "birthday" is October 2). She was literally drowning every time she drank because some of her milk would go in her trachea and some in her esophagus. She had pneumonia and who knows what else. God knows. God knew she needed us and that we needed her and I believe He lit a fire in us to get on it and bring our baby home. 

Do I think it's a coincidence that the very month Grace was born was the month we got serious about adoption? Not for a second. 

Since October of 2011 it has been a whirlwind of praying about adopting, researching adoption, contracting, paperwork, selling a house, finding a house, moving, new schools and jobs, more paperwork, sending our dossier to China, finding out who Grace is, stalking her on facebook, more paperwork, planning for China, travel, return, adjusting, surgery and FINALLY discovering "normal life" with a family of 5, where no one is low on oxygen and turns blue when they cry. Hallelujah!

I sat outside with my girls in the hammock last week and marveled at the calmness. No paper to push, no wondering how Grace is today and checking the New Day page for an update or picture. No wondering about international travel or open heart surgery. We just laid there swaying, all of our toes matching - none of them blue. All of us healthy and home thriving. I later watched Jake swing with Grace, love her, carry her around and make her giggle and remember months before when we prayed that God would work in our hearts to all be ready to add to our family. What a long way we have all come together...literally and figuratively.

Normal feels good. It feels strange, but good. 

While we are just putting our toes into normal-ish waters, we are still always about the work of bonding as a new family of 5. We lived here together at home for a month and then spent 10 days apart for heart surgery. For the first 6 weeks we lived here together the only time Grace went anywhere was to a doctor or hospital. I wonder what she thinks when we go to get her buckled in her carseat. I wonder if she wonders if she's seeing a doctor. She doesn't seem to mind them any more, she's a very different Grace than the one we brought home in many ways. She seems to have adjusted so well, and has taken every gigantic change in her life with grace. There are daily reminders, however, that she is very much approaching her (ahem) second birthday (even though she's the size of a 9 month old). There are daily reminders that while she is in the process of bonding and attaching and, while I would say, she is doing wonderfully - our work is not nearly finished. This is a marathon, not a sprint; which is why our parenting and our family dynamics are different than many would probably expect. 

For example, I notice that while sometimes Grace is content to be out of my eye sight (with her siblings or her Daddy) there are many occasions when she just needs to see where I am at and is content to know I'm close by. Mornings especially, it seems, she lingers on my lap a little longer, hugs a little longer, snuggles, and cries when I put her down to pour my coffee. Being close to me or to Robert rather than toddling along behind isn't just a comfort right now - its a need - and comfort itself is a need. Attachment and bonding is all about teaching her that we will, always and forever, be the ones who will meet her needs; whatever they are and she tests us on that. She tests us all the time, all day - every day. That's the way it goes. The experts prepared us for it - and frankly, I'd be concerned if she didn't need us so much. I don't mind her testing because for her first 19 months there were many people meeting her needs and now we get the privilege to prove to her that we are her people and no one is leaving her again. It's not like I can sit her down and have a convo in any language describing how it is now and how she doesn't need to worry that we won't come when she cries after a nap, or that we won't leave her at the doctor's office - she comes home with us every time because this is her home.

We are her home.

So, as with any child, we pick our battles. We don't major on the minor things. We do the best we can to raise a respectful, well adjusted, secure, Godhonoring child. We distract from and deter certain behaviors and some days we take steps forward, and some days we take steps backward or stay right where we are. We roll with it day by day. She no longer bites when she's excited! Hooray for progress!

So, when you see us at church or in our home - at Target or out an about don't be surprised if you don't see us spanking. Don't be surprised if she's holding a cracker in each hand, or if she smacks one of us in the face and giggles and we look away to keep her from seeing us laugh. We say "No" when we need to, believe me. She throws fits and lays on the floor and we stay close by and say "let me know when you're done. You may not have that, Grace, Mama said No". The tantrum ends, she reaches for us and we snuggle her close and move on. These things might look like we are spoiling her - believe me, that is not the goal. Every decision we make for her is scrutinized by us first before it has a chance to be scrutinized by onlooking, well meaning people.

Don't be surprised if she isn't like every other almost 2-year-old who willingly goes to people she is familiar with every time. Sometimes she feels secure and feels like being held by a grandma or an uncle or an auntie (or brother or sister) and sometimes she does not - and we've learned to put ourselves in her very tiny shoes a bit and ask ourselves:

Would we appreciate being handed off to someone all the time? Probably not, so why should she?

Letting her get comfortable enough to reach for her family members or who don't live here, or loving friends who have been praying her home and praying her well - is where it's at - that is where she is at right now. It won't be forever, just for now. I am sure it's disheartening when she isn't as into others holding her as they are to having her in her arms - but just know how much we love you even more for being patient for her to feel secure and safe and ready. She will get there, I know she will...and she's so worth the wait.

Adoption has taught me a lot of life lessons and one of them is empathy. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes and imagining how you would feel if you were them. We do that with Grace all the time or at least we sure try to. She's adjusted so well so far, and has been through so much it's easy to forget that she hasn't grown up with us and is still learning about family and trust and to rest secure at home. She communicates well - but primarily with signs and there are many times when she is desperately trying to tell us something and we have no idea what she is saying. She looks so distraught until we finally get it - if we finally get it, that is.

It is a marathon, not a sprint - for sure. We will all get there, communication will get better, knowing each other will get easier, Grace feeling secure will happen. It seems like we've always been a family in some ways but today is just 2 months plus 2 days of being home. That's it - and then there was that whole 10 day stint in a hospital in the muddy middle somewhere. Good grief - time flies.

Thank you for praying for us and encouraging us and being patient as we navigate that which finally feels normal.

Normal feels so good.