The first time ever I saw her face

Today is a very special day.

One year ago today I checked in with a blog I had been following since pursuing adoption. I read it almost every day, and this particular day was no different. I was in the kitchen of our old house, leaning over my laptop on the counter taking a break from packing because we were in the throws of moving. It was a little tiny bit of solace from a crazy time.

You see, adoption is whole lot of crazy. Paper pushing, waiting, more paper pushing more waiting - and I have a top notch imagination...so, for the months prior I had been imagining what our little Grace would look like. I wondered what special need she would have and if we would be able to handle it. I wondered what it would be like the first time I saw her and held her, hoping that I would attach to her as if she had been born from my body. Until you adopt, these are the things you wonder about and worry about, at least I did.

Moving houses is a crazy time too, especially when you've lived there for 12 years, raised two children there, and made all of your memories there. It's exciting, it's emotional, it's hard. Many tears were shed over leaving that house because it was our home for a long time, but we did it to make room for Grace.

I logged into this blog that I love. It's called Ni Hao Y'all. It is a must read for anyone - especially if you have a heart for adoption. A beautiful, funny, photog, adoptive mama writes her story about everything from adopting 8 times from China (losing one child mid-adoption - sweet Esther is waiting for her in heaven), to photography, and best of all her unwavering faith in God. This particular day the blog's title was "A Very Special Day". (you can, and should view it by clicking on the link).

The page opened and I began to read about sweet Esther who passed away due to complications of a heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. July 31, 2012 would have been her third birthday. In her honor,   t-shirt after t-shirt, hundreds of t-shirts were sold that said  "So Loved" on the front. The proceeds from these shirts would go to provide a heart surgery for another orphan so that they would have a chance at a healthy life. Then came the picture of the child who would receive this life saving surgery.

The first thing I noticed was her wide, dark, sparkly, beautiful eyes.

Then I stopped breathing for a few seconds. Something in me just flipped.

I read about her...she was called "Kate". She lived at New Day Foster Home in Beijing and she too had  tetralogy of fallot. She was almost 10 months old.

She was the most (literally) breathtaking, Chinese, little girl I had ever seen.

Once I finished reading I immediately formulated an email to Tiffany, our case worker at All God's Children. Here's the text from that email:

Tiffany's response:

*we were 6 months away from having a log in date (LID)

My response:

Actually, I fibbed. My heart didn't leap a little. It leaped a lot. Like -  like a.whole.lot.

I then asked Tiffany to let me know if "Kate" ever comes on the database (aka is paperwork ready and on the shared list of orphans viewed by literally hundreds if not thousands of agencies all over the world). She agreed to let me know, however, in one of our bi-weekly calls after that day Tiffany cautioned me to not get attached in any way to "Kate" because the odds of her being our referral were one in a million. We were months from sending our dossier to China, in the middle of a move, she was set to have her repair surgery, not paperwork ready, and even if she was - Kate would likely be considered not as severe special needs by then. It was next to impossible.

Tiffany didn't know me well enough at that point to know that by the time she told me not to get attached I had already copied "Kate's" photo into my phone. I had sent it to Robert. I had shown Maddie who gasped and said:

"Ohhhhhhh my goodness!!! Could SHE be ours!!??"

I shared "Kate's" photo with several people because something down deep told me that if I didn't no one would believe me if by some mind blowing miracle of God - she would be ours. She could be our Grace. I needed some people who could vouch incase God had just given me a peek at our daughter, during a crazy, emotional time when I really needed a little picture of why we had brought all of this crazy into our lives. I needed, on that day, a living reminder of a child who needed love and a family and a home. As we went about our packing and moving it was her face I saw in my mind reminding me that this was all for our daughter that was waiting for us.

I had no idea that New Day Foster Home had a facebook page. I only knew of their website, which I checked several times a month to see if "Kate" was still there and see if there was any news about her surgery. I knew her birthday was October 2nd and on that day I prayed for her, as I had many other days, that God would hold her close, heal her, and bring her a family (specifically ours) but a family that was best suited to be hers. On her birthday I was working as a nanny for adorable twins and I will never forget rocking them and thinking of her, wondering if she was ok. Praying she was.

I loved her from a distance, all the while trying not to get too attached.

On Decemeber 12, 2012 I got a call from Tiffany asking if I would consider a referral of a little girl who just the night before came on the database/shared list. Our dossier had shipped the week before and we were ready to consider a referral. Tiffany said when she saw this child she immediately thought of us and that we might be a good match.

My heart sank. I would have to let go of "Kate" and be open to Grace.

As Tiffany started sharing the details of this little girl she sounded strangely familiar. Tiffany shared that this child was born on October 2, 2011. I gasped, my heart racing inside my chest:

"Is it her?"

Tiffany had no recollection of "Kate" until I reminded her of our conversation months before. She had only the Chinese name, Xin Qiu Min,  and no indication of a connection to foster home or New Day or an American name. She continued to describe the needs of this little girl...

"She has two birth defects, one is a heart defect called Tetralogy..."

I interrupted her...

"Tetralogy of Fallot!!??"

Tiffany: "Yes...but there's also another that has been repaired called Esoph..."

I interrupted her again:

"Esophageal Atresia!!! It IS HER!!"

Tiffany: "Oh my goodness Amy - maybe it is - would you know her face?"

(Would I know her face? I had only looked at it a thousand times in 5 months)

Me: "Yes!!!  I would know her face anywhere. Send me the file!!!"

While still on the phone, I opened the referral email and through what can only be described as squeaks, with tears streaming down my face,  I fell to my knees and said:

"It's her. It's her. It's her."

In 10 years Tiffany said nothing like this had ever happened. The chances are next to impossible. Our referral was a child we not only had already seen and read about, but one we already "So Loved." Just a week prior when I had checked to see if "Kate" was still unmatched on the New Day webpage Robert had asked me:

"If by some miracle of God, Kate would happen to be our referral - we wouldn't decline her, right? No matter what?"

Not a chance. 

And so, you see...this is a very special day. This is the day, one year ago, we began to love "Kate" who is now Grace. This is the day God gave us a peek at our daughter and a window into her life and an unbelievable story - only lots of people got a peek at who Grace would be from my picture of "Kate" because somewhere deep down in my soul I knew there was something about her that belonged here with us.

Really hard things happen here on planet earth. Tragedy, heartbreak, loss...things we don't, can't and don't want to understand because they break us. They break us in ways that change us and we are never the same. Yet, I've seen even these things be redeemed. Parents faced with the unthinkable dilemma of only being allowed one child and give birth to a child they can't care afford to care for...a child who is loved, almost adopted - but passes away before her family can hold her...this is just one of countless tragic stories that have given birth to hope. This is just one story of beauty rising from ashes.

The "So Loved" shirt was how God chose to give us a glimpse of Grace. He knew all along, before she was even born that we would be a family and He chose for her to have her heart surgery done here with us, and we are so thankful because we could be with her through it. While in China Grace had symptoms of other complications (her trachea) which made the surgeons hesitant to operate there, so the funds that were raised for "Kate" helped another precious orphan. Once we accepted her referral that day in December, Grace was no longer an orphan. Amen.

No one will ever convince me that our story, especially this part of our story, is some random act of the universe, a coincidence, or anything other than the almighty hand of a sovereign God who loves, and cares, and puts the lonely in families. 

This is the picture that took my breath away. How could it not? One year later I'm still awestruck that little "Kate", whom we loved from a distance is now home with us. A daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece...ours forever, and so very loved.

"For what you've done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people; and I will hope in your name, for your name is good." Psalm 52:9