Her

November is so sneaky.

You think it's not as busy as December, the calm before the Christmas storm…but it's all kinds of busy for me. Which is why it's been over a month since my last post.

I had hoped to get a myriad of questions to inspire a post about National Adoption Month but I really only got a couple so I will address them in a later post.

*This* post is surreal for me. This is a day for remembering.

A year ago on 12.11.12, I still held on to a shred of hope that "Kate"from New Day would be our referral. I planned on inquiring about her as soon as our dossier was logged in, and I had recently checked to see if she was still listed on the New Day site as one of their children. (I had not known there was a Facebook page at that time) She was still there!! How was that possible? I expected that we were weeks if not months away from a referral. Our dossier hadn't even arrived in China on 12.11.12.

But, on 12.11.12, late at night, our caseworker was online viewing files on the shared list of adoptable children in China and someone caught her eye while she was online. A file came up. A new file. A file that she decided to put on hold for us because there was something about her...

We had chosen months before not to receive referrals until our dossier was on it's way. I never believed I had to try and beat out another family for our daughter. I firmly believed that she was already ours and we were just not quite ready for one another. However, I did ask our caseworker to promise to contact us if someone caught her eye and made her think of our family. And so it was…

On the morning of 12.12.12 I was at home. The two little ones I nannied for at the time were asleep and my cell phone rang. The area code told me it was our agency or our caseworker, Tiffany. She explained to me that she was online the evening prior and a new file was available that she wondered if we would be interested in considering a referral. My heart sank. I would have to let-go of my hope for "Kate" from New Day and make room for Grace. I was not at all expecting a referral call so soon. I began to shake.

Robert was not working from home that day, he was downtown. So it was just Tiffany and I.

Tiffany began to tell me details of this child, only I had heard these same details before. I knew that birthday, October 2, 2011. It was the same as Kate's. I quickly asked,

"Is it her?"

Tiffany had no idea what I meant because our conversation over email 5 months prior was so brief and there was no chance we could be matched with that little girl, "Kate". Tiffany had mostly forgotten I had even asked about "Kate".

She went on to tell me that she had no "Kate" in her referral only her Chinese name.

"She was born with esophageal atresia." Tiffany continued.

"Oh my gosh it is HER!" I said stunned.

Tiffany still wasn't convinced until I finished her next sentence as she told me about a heart defect called tetralogy of fallot.

I fell to the floor, tears fell to the floor… "It's her…it's her…it's her…how can this be? How can it be her…"

"Will you know her face if I send you the referral?" Tiffany said excitedly

"I would know her face anywhere."

It was her. It is her. I called Robert, shaking and trying to keep it together, but very unsuccessfully…

He answered and I said quickly: "We got a referral"

"Oh? Wow…ok…"

"It's Her."

That is all I had to say, and he knew all he needed to know.
It's her.

Sometimes I still say it.

(these are the referral pictures we received with her referral)

We pulled our older kids out of school. One thought I had been in a tragic car accident (I still feel bad about that). The other wore me down via text asking what was going on and I only told her that we got a referral and had a limited time to respond and it was a family decision. We read to them all about her. How she liked music, how she loved to watch people, how she played, had a silly side, and likes cookies. Then we showed them her picture and they were smitten. They didn't know her face like I did.

Then we told them, "It's Kate from New Day. It's her.". Their reaction is best described as: shock+awe+joy= mind sufficiently blown. I've never seen anything like it from them and I'll never forget it.

Why God would do such a thing…beyond bringing us a little girl we already loved - but allowing our first two children to see such an obvious presence of Him in this story…is equally astounding to me. I had asked Him to make Himself known to them in a big way, and He went all out.

So it is a special day today. It's the day God blew all of our minds. It's the day I said - well now I know truly nothing is impossible. It is the day we officially said,

"Yes, we want her." 

From that day we grabbed on with both hands and hung on for dear life. Everyday life was lived in fast-forward in such a crazy way that I sometimes can't fully take in the awe of it being her. Against all odds, with thousands and thousands (hundreds of thousands) of orphans in China - it's her. So, today I'm taking it in. Today I'm choosing to allow myself to be overwhelmed by it all, all over again and remember and be amazed, and God bless waterproof mascara.

A song haunted me once we knew it was her. The group "Third Day" wrote a perfect song for how we felt last year. Someone was missing from our Christmas, someone was missing from our every day and you don't really get it unless you adopt. You just don't. It sounds ridiculous and dramatic and it is both of those things and more. Last year I listened to the song and was determined to use it for *this* Christmas. You can view the video  here

So in honor of the awesomeness, in honor of being overwhelmed again and again with the miracle of adoption, Merry Christmas to my daughter Grace. I would do it all over again a hundred thousand times to bring her home.

"It's Christmastime again and now you're home. Your family is here and you will never be alone. So tonight before you of go to sleep I'll hold you in my arms and tell you from heart, I wish you a Merry Chritstmas." ~Third Day, Merry Christmas